Hands up – I still get triggered by my kids too!

Yes that’s right. I still get triggered. Especially by my teenagers and it’s my automatic, unconscious response that gets me in to trouble.

Imagine how you could transform your relationships if you could create time to choose how to respond to circumstances and situations you face, rather than reacting without thinking? One of the biggest impacts of reacting without thinking is our loss of connection with others.

As humans we are all hard-wired to have a naturally negative bias, originally used to keep us safe, and that contributes to us ‘thinking the worst’ when someone triggers us and we react accordingly. Before we have even thought about it, those harsh words, said in a harsh tone, have tumbled out of our mouths and there is very little which can be done to pull them back.

The Drama Triangle

I’ve learnt about how to create a precious ‘pause’ so that I can respond rather than react through my work with Positive Mental Fitness. I can ‘catch’ those harsh words before they come out, most of the time, but I still get triggered.

The thinking behind Positive Mental Fitness fits really well alongside a theory developed in the 1960s by psychiatrist Stephen Karpman. It’s called the Drama Triangle and it describes dysfunctional interactions and roles that people often play in interpersonal relationships. In conflict and drama there is often a ‘good guy’ vs ‘bad guy’ thinking. When we are in conflict we become drawn in, even seduced by the energy that drama generates. The drama obscures the real issues. Confusion and upset escalates. Solutions are no longer the focus.

The Drama Triangle consists of three primary roles: Victim, Persecutor and Rescuer. Each role represents a pattern of behaviour that we may adopt in various interactions, often leading to conflict and negative outcomes. We may use all three in one conflicting conversation or we may use one or two.

Victim – says I’m blameless

The Victim role involves feeling helpless, oppressed or in distress. People adopting this role often believe that external forces or other individuals are responsible for their problems. People are not the victim, but they are acting as though they are.  They may seek attention, sympathy or rescue from others. I think my Victim tendencies show up most frequently at mealtimes when I am running round like a headless chicken, and no one even notices or offers to help!

Persecutor – says I’m right

The Persecutor role involves blaming, criticising or attacking others. People adopting this role may focus on others’ mistakes, weaknesses or faults and we often seek to control or exert power over others. I think my Persecutor tendencies used to come out when someone criticised me and my automatic response was to find something to criticise in them. I’ve learnt to bite my tongue and not do that any more.

Rescuer – says I’m good, you’re not

The Rescuer role involves trying to help or save others, sometimes to the point of sacrificing one’s own needs. Rescuers may offer unsolicited advice, interventions or assistance with the intention of relieving others’ pain or difficulties. I think my Rescuer role comes in to play because I thrive on affirmation and the positivity which comes from helping others. That’s fine in itself, but not when I am sacrificing my own needs. I need to give from a place of overflow, not from a place of lack. I also need to give to those who actually want my help, not just because I think they ‘need’ my help.

The Drama Triangle theory highlights the detrimental and unhealthy nature of these roles as they often perpetuate negative patterns of communication and behaviour. The goal of understanding the Drama Triangle is to raise our awareness of these roles and patterns of behaviour and then provide a springboard to more healthy and functional ways of relating to others.

Drama Winners Triangle

The Drama Triangle is often accompanied by another concept known as the Winner Triangle. This alternative model was developed by psychologist David Emerald and offers a more positive and empowering perspective on interpersonal dynamics compared to the original Drama Triangle.

The Winner Triangle consists of three primary roles that individuals can choose to adopt in order to break free from the unhealthy patterns of the Drama Triangle:

Creator – says I’m struggling

This role replaces the Victim role. The Creator takes responsibility for their circumstances and actively seeks solutions and positive outcomes. They focus on their own empowerment and resourcefulness rather than playing the victim. I love the concept of replacing the Victim role with that of the Creator, it’s so assertive. This calls for us to be innovative in the face of adversity, using those who trigger us to become our ‘best teachers’……and yes, that’s currently my teenagers!

Challenger – says I have needs

This role replaces the Persecutor role. The Challenger provides honest feedback and asks thought-provoking questions, helping others to see different perspectives and encouraging growth. The Challenger’s intention is to support and challenge in a constructive manner, rather than criticise and attack. I love the concept of replacing the Persecutor role with that of the Challenger, it’s so much more caring and assertive. This inspires me to be creative in my interactions and invites me to bring clarity and perspective to a situation.

Coach – says I’m listening

This role replaces the Rescuer role. The Coach supports and guides others by asking open-ended questions and offering assistance that promotes self-discovery and self-reliance. The Coach helps individuals build their skills and capabilities rather than fostering dependency. I love the concept of replacing the Rescuer role with that of the Coach. This is my favourite role to dwell in, both personally and professionally. This enables me to step back and support others in a healthy way with appropriate boundaries. It encourages me to be vulnerable and it enables me to give from a place of abundance, not from a place of need.

The Winner Triangle promotes a shift from disempowering and destructive interactions to more positive and constructive ones. Instead of perpetuating drama and conflict, individuals are encouraged to communicate openly, take ownership of their actions, and work together to find solutions.

The Winner Triangle provides a framework for fostering healthier relationships and effective communication. It helps individuals recognise when they might be slipping into the roles of the Drama Triangle and empowers them to make conscious choices to engage in a more productive a respectful manner.

If you feel you’re more frequently getting drawn in to the Drama Triangle and rarely in the Winner Triangle, drop me an email and we can have a chat about how I can help you.

Ways we can work together:

Coaching packages to help you transform your life start from £25 per month.

• Monthly 1:1 sessions, face to face or via Zoom, including unlimited email access and weekly themes to inspire and challenge.

• The Mum Boardroom – monthly or bi-monthly 2 hour group coaching sessions via Zoom (or face to face in Oxfordshire)

• Positive Mental Fitness Bootcamp – 6 weekly videos and 30 min Pod group meetings via Zoom – book your place for September start