As mums, we teach our children to be kind. We remind them to share, to…
What it’s like on the bi-polar express
Glandular Fever
When I was 18 I suffered badly with Glandular Fever. I’d just finished college and was spending the summer working with horses, my first love. I knew I was ill but I didn’t know what it was. I was exercising an ex-racehorse and had to ride around the country lanes for miles to get it fit and I remember getting to a crossroads and not being able to look to the right or left to see if the road was clear – my neck was so stiff and swollen! I took sick leave, moved back to my parents’ house and had numerous blood tests – none of which showed up Glandular Fever until about a month in. By that time I was bed-ridden as it was too painful to walk.
Depression
My recovery was slow and I had no energy to work with horses. I took a temporary office job which then became permanent and shaped my career. In the coming years I started to experience the numbness and greyness of depression. I had counselling and hypnotherapy and went on medication. I would be well for 1-2 years, stop taking the tablets, continue to be well….and then the bleakness would consume me again and I’d go back on the medication. This cycle was repeated until I was in to my late 30s when I got married.
When I gave birth to twins extremely prematurely at 26 weeks + 6 days in 2008 I experienced a huge ‘high’. It went completely undiagnosed, particularly as the twins were in SCBU in hospital so I wasn’t looking after them. I knew that my behaviour was strange, particularly around the loss of our daughter, Ella Rae at 19 days old. I was literally bouncing off the walls and taking everything in my stride like a walk in the park – weird! Our son came out of hospital after three months and I finally had a baby to look after. I threw everything in to caring for him and loved every minute of it.
Postpartum psychosis
When I fell pregnant again in 2010 we were delighted to be blessed with another daughter and she was born at 40 weeks. My hormones were much stronger than before and the huge ‘high’ came in force about 3 days after her birth. I had severe insomnia, was writing copious notes, had grandiose ideas about running a women’s conference and writing a book. At 4am in the morning, I would have surges of energy which felt like electricity running through my body. I was easily agitated, talking incessantly and was swearing profusely (which is not like me!) I felt on cloud nine but I was a nightmare to live with. The doctor was called and I was medicated and treated for postpartum psychosis. I was told to give up breastfeeding. I didn’t have the fight in me to argue.
I saw a psychiatrist after that and was visited weekly by a case worker at home. Within a few weeks ‘normalness’ returned but after three months I can clearly remember the sinking feeling starting and I fell into a deep depression which lasted exactly a year. Depression for me is silent, nothing to say, nothing to give, no ideas, no creativity, no energy, no inspiration, no joy, no colour and no purpose. I can’t make decisions, including what to wear or what to eat. Shops are completely overwhelming, as are large groups (which I normally love)! Our sofa becomes my ‘safe space’ and it draws me in like fish caught on a line. I want to do nothing but lie on it and never get up again…but I’m a mum and I have kids so that’s not an option.
Medication
So, for the sake of me, my family and my marriage I have decided to stay on my current medication (Citalopram and Olanzapine) for the rest of my life. I have been well for 11 years now and I’m not going to do anything to risk that changing. I owe it to my family to stay well. I have no side-effects and I am completely at peace with my decision. I am thankful that my medication works and grateful to be well….and that’s just fine. I was given a diagnosis of Bipolar II as I have had two episodes. The label doesn’t mean anything to me. It’s just a name. I’ve never found a reason for my depression and put it down to a chemical imbalance. I don’t care if that’s true or not, it just is.
Looking back I can see periods of mania throughout my teens and twenties. For example, I was frequently over-committed, super productive, getting up early to read the newspaper, exercising my horse, going swimming and then getting to work for 8.30am! How crazy is that! My medication keeps me on an even keel – I’m still super productive but I’m not manic. I feel blue sometimes, but I bounce back.
So what do you do if you have a friend who is suffering?
Text them. Let them know you’re thinking of them. Don’t ask how they are, just let them know they’re in your thoughts. Text them again, even if they don’t reply. Send them a note in the post. Buy them a gift. Offer to cook a meal. Offer to take their kids out. Talk to them. Listen to them if they want to talk. Just BE with them. Invite them for a walk or out for coffee. Keep your love on. My story shapes how I coach and how I show up as a mum, and I wouldn’t change that for anything.
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